When I went off to college, I thought it would be fascinating to learn about another culture. I had spent the first eighteen years of my life in a town of a thousand people, where the only person of color had been my father’s best friend.
I had read about other cultures and other ways of life in my high school education. I was eager to experience this first hand. So I chose the option on my university application to spend my first semester in a foreign language dorm. I think I envisioned myself as being some kind of missionary, learning a new language by total emersion. How fascinating and Jane Goodall-like!
And so it went. My mother dropped me off at University of Illinois. I was so excited to start this new chapter in my life. The campus had fifty thousand students. The side walks were swarming with humans. My first day on campus was exhausting. I was attempting to say “Hi” and wave to every single person that passed me on the sidewalk. Much to my shock, no one said hi back to me. I was in tears by my first night on campus. Where “I” came from, it was customary to acknowledge and smile and maybe even exchange a few niceties as you passed another on the sidewalk. What had I gotten myself into? Had I landed on the moon with no oxygen tank? I was a fish out of water for sure, trying to find my gills.
I was a giant in a world of tiny people. Hundreds of petite Asian Americans filled my dormitory. I was the only 5″8″ white girl. Correction, I was the only 5’8″ girl! I felt like I was the suddenly the…Canopy of the rain forest, the Ozone layer of the earth’s surface or perhaps even that Big White Marshmallow man in a sailor’s suit floating down the streets of New York as they all scrambled for shelter. Everyone glared at me, silently asking ” Why is she here?”. My roommate was from China. The dining hall was filled with Chinese girls. The halls were packed with Chinese girls. I was literally the only white girl in the entire dorm! All because I checked that little box on my college application. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, my pretty” ( insert evil witch laughter and Toto shivering in my arms).
It was total emersion alright. The mornings were filled with silence for me as we all shuffled to the communal bathroom with our little plastic hygiene buckets in hand. The halls echoed as their little flip flops/my big flip flops clanked down the hall. The air was filled with Chinese buzz. I didn’t understand one word, nor did I try. Breakfast was eggs and bacon with a side of Mandarin. And so it went, for six months, I spoke to no one. I felt like a POW, an outcast, a mute. For the first time in my entire life, I knew no one and no one knew me.
I spent my days bowing and smiling and my nights weeping.I soon realized I had made a big mistake but it was too late. I had to endure this cultural emersion experiment for six months. And so I did. And you know what? It pushed me into finding a part of me that I never knew existed…Me. I had to have internal dialogue with myself. Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? How will I forge my way? Who will guide me?
I know that most people make life long bonds with their freshman roommate. I know many girls go off to college and dive head first into the pool of partying and their new found freedom. I felt as if I had gone off to college and landed on a lunar surface where no white girl had gone before. One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. I was a minority for the first time in my life. It was a good learning experience for me to feel first hand what it felt to be an outsider. I went from ” most popular” to ” most invisible”.
But as I look back on my life and the evolution of me, I realize that what has made me stronger, more resilient and more determined were my mistakes. The path to my success was defined by my failures. I learned about what I wanted in life, by learning about what I did not want in my life. Once I realized I could endure six months of being silent and knowing no one but myself, I felt stronger. I felt like a survivor.
So, as my journey continued and I left the Chinese dorm into the land of English speaking people, I continued to make big mistakes. No actually, I continued to make huge mistakes along the way. But with each misstep came clarity. Clarity for what I did not want for my life. Clarity for what I envisioned moving forward. I was always told, you learn from your mistakes. But I always thought to myself, what do you learn? And now I know. You learn not to do it again. You learn that you are human, fallible and delicate. You also learn that you are human, driven and powerful. You learn that your choices have real consequences.
You learn that some things choose you. I didn’t choose to get MS. But I chose to accept it and learn about it and adjust to it. I chose to roll with it’s punches and find the silver lining in it all. My life has changed since I became Lisa with MS. Once again, I had gone from ” Most popular, MD” to ” Invisible Me”, with an invisible disease. I guess I suddenly felt like I was once again, plopped down in a foreign land. But this time, I chose to learn the language. I chose to give up my profession to save myself . I chose to respect each day as a gift. I chose to laugh at myself. I chose to believe that ” ask and you shall receive” really works! I chose to learn that it’s true… you reap what you sow, “sow”…you better start watering that garden!
I learned a new language after all. And much to my surprise, it wasn’t Mandarin. It was the language of gratitude.
Xie Xie ( Thank you in Mandarin)
Oh my gosh Lisa! If you you would’ve been my kid off to college in the Chinese dorm, I would’ve said “What the ?!@% are you doing?!?!?”. This made me go “oh my…” (mouth gaping). This speaks volumes about the friend that I adore!! XXXOOO
I’m learning so much about the friend that I thought I knew everything about….but actually didn’t 😘.
This was again…a fantastic read. Thank you dear friend for giving us a glimpse into your life experiences!!!!
Lisa, you are the wind beneath my wings. Your courage to live a happier and healthier life with MS has given me the courage to deal with manic depression and the optimism and personal strength to live a happier and healthier life. You continue to teach me how to deal with life by living for the moment and being loyal to our mother with kinder words and more loving experiences with her as she and I become closer in our older age. Thank you for helping me learn by watching how you live your life with MS. A lesson I will never forget.
Dear Lisa Your strength with MS has been relentless. Without a doubt you are the one of three strongest women I’ve known in my life. The other two strong ones are our mother, Betty, and our sister, Lee Anna. Before MS you have always been a strong person who has overcome unbelievable obstacles throughout your life. I would imagine the death of our father, Norman, was most devastating as it was for the rest of our family. He is a genius is heaven now as he was on earth. I truly believe you inherited or learned how to remain steadfast and
determined as dad to suffer the pain of his deadly disease and relentlessly continue you increase his mind with learning as he always did by filling his ingenious mind with more and more and more of his first love, English Literature. You also, possess his desire for life long learning and his insatiable appetite for reading. You have possessed this desire for life long learning . This was before MS and MS now. I may be your most devastating experience and a no win situation to retire not by choice but by your determination to live happier with a disease that has no cure. You continually amaze me by your innate ability to gain love from little children while they most certainly give you their infinite love. Your zest for life and a love for a happy and healthy life with no guilt about the past and living for the moment is contagious. You have been a living example of how to live life to the fullest each day with your confidante, Amber. Your desire to give your dog, Amber, a healthy and longer life has given me the desire to be a better friend to my dog, Stella. I learned from you how important excercise is for Stella. Because you taught me that I’ve taken her need to run free seriously at least once a day. She is happier and so am I knowing I’m a better master. Your life with MS has made Stella happier and given me a sense of pride from being the best human I can possibly be. It all began with your attitude about living with MS as a better and happier person in your life with MS. You’ve always been a person who lives life to the fullest. Your life with MS gives me the fortitude to live with the incurable disease of manic depression. Words are not enough to thank you for your insight in teaching me how to live for the moment without regrets of the past and in fear of the future. I’m sure you don’t know how your life with MS has made both of us better human beings. I do remember the
trials and tribulations you endured at the Chinese Dorm. Possessing a mind filled with humor and sarcasm I thought your dilemma was hilarious. The best is yet to come, my dear little Lisa.