Growth Spurts

As a pediatrician, I saw first hand how most growth spurts, from infancy through adolescence, were preceded by pain. Painful nighttime infancy hunger with it’s associated nocturnal awakenings , just as those sleep deprived parents had adjusted to six hours of blissful sleep. Leg pains in their children just as night fell, requiring Motrin and massage, their long bones stretching literally overnight. Pain in the parents’ eyes as they questioned why their pre-teen was suddenly so embarrassed to be seen with them around their peers; yet still craving hugs when safe from the public eye. This is the nature of growth spurts. They are without warning. They are sudden and most of the time, preceded by pain. The pain heralds the need for change and the need for growth.

I’m reading a fascinating book called Women Rowing North by Mary Pipher. It is filled with narratives of how women navigate life’s currents and flourish as we set sail into our “mature” years. My sister told me of a funny quote from one of her aging friends. “My make-up doesn’t work anymore!” I thought that was hilarious but sadly true. There comes a point in our lives that our eyelids bag, our eyebrows disappear and our lips become furrowed. We look in our magnifying mirror, not because we love horror movies and a good scare, but because we can’t wear our damned readers as we put on our mascara. So, I guess the need for a magnifying mirror is the pain before the “growth spurt”, right? The growth spurt being…we are wise , sage women with wrinkles born of love and life and sorrow and joy. We realize our precious crow’s feet and laugh lines are just as important as our Deputy Dog disappearing jaw lines. Can I get a witness?

I think as females, we always crave attention. Maybe its our culture or survival of the fittest crap. Or maybe it’s as simple as having 2 X chromosomes. Whether it’s the ultimate make-up, the perfect outfit, the cutest shoes or being the perfect student, the most energetic cheerleader, the greatest Girl Scout…we are always trying to please. At some point in our lives, we have to realize that our looks are fading, everything else is heading south on our bodies as we “row North” and we need to discover our new arsenal. We have to come to the realization that we are more than our looks, our sex appeal, our fashionable flare. We are such vessels of knowledge, of wit, of wisdom…We are the bomb! It was an epiphany for me when I truly realized that the the most important person to impress in my life was not my parent, my teacher, my spouse , nor my employer. It was me!

Along this journey of maturation, we hopefully will become our own ” Radiant Sovereign Selves” ( a tag coined by nineteenth century American author Margaret Fuller…more to come about this below, if you are still awake). To get to that point in our lives, we need to experience pain/growth cycles. I see now that my growth spurts didn’t end at 13 yrs of age as my growth plates slowly closed. I ask myself, ” When were your growth spurts, Lisa?” And how did you adjust to each? With fear and resistance or openness and gratitude?

Maybe my first was when I was 5 yrs old and decided to run away from home on my little bicycle. I rode miles in the hot Midwest sun to my first rest stop at Mr L’s gas station. I chugged an icy cold Chocolate Soldier as I unknowingly ratted myself out to him, bragging about leaving my family and starting over in the big city. I remember the pain of just wanting to be my own boss and escape my life on the farm…ride to the big metropolis of Oblong, Illinois. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If I could just get to civilization, the shiny Emerald City, where the Great Oz would grant me immunity and a life time of free of chores and eating my vegetables. My yellow brick road was made of steaming black asphalt and smelled of bean fields with a hint of manure. Unfortunately, I can still conjure up the bovine “essence” but more importantly, I can literally taste and feel the love of that chilled Chocolate Soldier. The relief it gave me as I tried to convince myself that I was strong enough for this epic journey was priceless. And who knew it would come in the form of a 12 oz glass bottle. It was liquid courage.

I’m still trying to convince myself that I am strong enough for this epic journey. My inner critic has become smaller and smaller with every “growth spurt” I have survived. Be it driving from Illinois to Colorado alone in my Dad’s borrowed Buick to start my pediatric residency, having no place to live yet but a 2 month cat/house sitting gig lined up in order to have enough cash to survive until my first real paycheck…to adjusting to no longer being a pediatrician and joining the M.S. band wagon. I was scared and full of trepidation and self doubt with every new situation. Lucky for me, I rode the wave of each time of change with the knowledge that I was never really alone. My friends and family were and still remain, my secret ingredient for success. But I have come to realize that unless I am my own best cheerleader, I won’t feel strong enough to ask the universe for change.

And the one common denominator for growth seems to be change. It is preceded many times by crisis, unhappiness or unrest but it almost always leads to change. I don’t embrace change very well. It doesn’t excite me like some. But I have come to realize that the more curious I am and the more self-aware , I seem to be able to tolerate change and perhaps even invite it into my life.

Wake up, readers! I promised to tell you more about the “Radiant Sovereign Self” crap I introduced above in paragraph 4 line 2!

Sovereign= Full right and power of a governing body over itself…You go #MeToo movement. And yes, it’s a movement, not a moment. It may be made up of moments. Moments of enough is enough. Moments of unrest and anger. Moments of trauma and death. Moments of self deprecation and existential crisis. But also moments of ” I can do this.” Perhaps you have survived abuse, sexual harassment or a life time of marginalization. In the face of all of this, hopefully you will come to realize… you are enough.

We live our lives striving to be better, new improved versions of ourselves. This is not a woman thing. Its a human conquest. In the book Women Rowing North, the author reminds us that there exist times in our lives when it’s best to put down our paddles and just enjoy. Enjoy what is. She quotes a German word ” Schlimmbesserung”, which translates…”to be worsened by improvement”. We could say this about the unintended consequences of artificial intelligence and the social media craze. Or we could also bring it down to a personal level, like striving to get that raise at work only to find out it comes with more deadlines and stress. Or perhaps, feeling we are never good enough as we are and trying to be something we aren’t. Bending our version of self to fit the mold others may have forged for us…the “new and improved version.”

She goes on to say…” Maybe the constant quest to be a better person has kept us from enjoying who we are?”

So, right now, I’m enjoying who I am. Despite the fact that in looking back, my life is made up of losing sight of who I was! I guess because I’m not who I was. I’m who I am. My growth spurts keep changing me. I am not that 13 year old girl trying to figure out what the hell was happening to her body, nor am the homicidal maniac I was as I marched through menopause, narrowly avoiding prison time.

I am me…My own radiant sovereign self. I’m a 59 yr old strong woman with M.S. who is just perfect the way she is. At least until the next growth spurt hits. Ok, I my personal taste for liquid courage may have evolved from warm milk to cold Chocolate Soldier to a sweet Riesling by now.But the cool part is that I now realize I don’t really “need” any liquid courage. I have me. And that’s enough.