AC/DC

I never liked metallic rock. I was more of a Jim Croce/Bread kind of girl. But the title of this blog is not about a 70’s rock band or bisexuality. It’s in reference to electricity! The very thought of my life as being made up of energy, the type of energy that longs to flow freely… like electricity, has been on my mind as of late. What forces do I allow in my life that block its flow or impede it’s maximal potential?

One of my goals when I had to give up my profession was to “take better care of myself, de-stress”. I know it sounds like an impossible task for those of you with young children, stressful jobs or chronic pain/sorrow. I can truthfully say I’ve been there and never had ( or maybe never TOOK ) enough time to nourish myself. But now that I am faced with MS, a silent disease that would like to rob me of my life force, my energy, I’ve been thinking. What else is potentially blocking my “chi”? What are some ” resistors” in my life that are reducing my “current” situation…Get it? (“Current” as in Amps). Ok…on with the rest of the equation…

One resistor is time. I feel some days, time or lack thereof, is this invisible resistive force. ” If I just had more time, I could get one more thing checked off of my to-do list! I could volunteer more. I could exercise more. I could learn a new language. If only there were a few more hours in the day.” Unfortunately, that list and the anxiety it creates, drain my life force. I’ve learned to shorten my lists because I can’t create more time. And I’m learning to say no. No to…” time-sucks”, to people and events in my life that really don’t bring me any joy or give back in return. I’m learning that it’s OK to say no and not feel guilty. I’m learning to be more protective of my time, more discretionary.

Another resistor is self doubt. Yes, it’s that little inner critic that shames me or makes me question my own strength. ” You don’t have the skill set, the moxie, the know-how to do that! Get real.” This little saboteur can be a mighty road block on some days. Where did that voice come from? What negative/misinterpreted comment or non-verbal experience/trauma taught me that? What narrative did I create and hang onto for all of these years? I’m starting to be more aware of this self talk that is holding me back. It bubbles up daily for sure, but as Queen Elsa would sing, “Let it go…Let it go”!

And then there is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing my ability to walk or my eyesight from MS. Fear of aging. Fear of becoming obsolete, not needed, having to acknowledge my own shelf-life. This form of resistor really likes to slow the flow. Yet, in actuality, fear is my body guard. My hunky, strong non-cerebral “dude” checking ID’s at the door, making sure no one messes with me. I love that! Just knowing he’s there when I need him is so cool. Thanks Mr Fear, but you know this is a part time job, right?

So, maybe I need to start thinking about conductors in my life. Conduits that will allow my energy to flow more freely. Better sleep, healthy eating, more laughter, daily exercise, less need to control others…These are all of these things will augment my life’s force and allow it to do what it needs to do without dissipating so readily. My body is programmed to crave those conductors. I just need to honor this more.

Which brings me to insulators! The padding that hugs my life force, preserves my voltage and keeps me warm…My loving family, my amazing husband and sons, my sweet dog and my tried and true friendships. Even on those days that all of my resistors are working overtime and I can’t seem to find a conductor in sight, I always know I have my insulation.

What if I became my life’s superconductor…allowing life’s energy to pass through me with a resistance of zero…embracing it while it’s mine and being thankful for it when it leaves…pretty cool, huh? Sub-zero cool! Brrrrrrr…I’m ready for summer.