I was shocked to realize that it had been a year since I’d posted a blog. Yikes!!
In the past, my blogs would bubble up like crude oil from a freshly tapped source. My pen couldn’t keep up with my brain. But ever since my mother passed, I have been feeling kind of lost. Wondering why after more than a year, I still feel unlike myself. Some days I’m joyous, some days robotic. Wondering when all of this grieving crap will end. Then an acquaintance mentioned a book called “The Myth of Closure” by Pauline Boss, PhD.
The book debunks the myth that we have to find closure in order to complete the grieving process. I guess I have been waiting for closure but it just never seemed to come I’ve been waiting for that door to smack shut, freeing me to open another. Yet, what this book has taught me is that we are barking up the wrong tree if we think grief has an ending.
By hanging onto the myth of closure, we miss the more important aspect of grieving. Transition. By thinking of our loss as simply a transition, rather than a closed chapter, it frees us up to keep our loved one’s spirit alive. To move forward in life after loss, without having to say good bye. There is no proverbial door to shut, allowing another to open. I am free to continue the relationship with my mother. Yes, the relationship has lost the physicality of being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice or wrap my arms around her strong body. But it has gained a wildly free spiritual connection. By wishing for closure to my sorrow, I have been unable to fully embrace the magnitude of this new relationship.
In her book, Dr. Boss touches on reconstructing your identity after loss. We tend to cling to the previous role we held while our loved one was alive. For me, it was being Betty’s daughter. I know in my heart of hearts, I will always be her daughter. Yet, now, I need to be open to the transformation of that relationship. Her spirit now resides within me. I am a living remnant of her fabric. And in doing so, I remind myself of the special gift her passing brought to my life. I can talk with her anytime, anywhere, even when I have no cell phone signal. It’s Verizon’s newest Omnipresent Family Plan!
So, as I set about reconstructing my identity, I guess I would say I would like to begin by seeing myself as Betty’s daughter and messenger. The message I have to pass on is one of strength, savvy, resilience, self-confidence, and gusto!
This is who I am…Betty’s daughter 2.0
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