Spineless

“But I don’t have a spine!”…. I angrily yelled into the phone at the unrelenting telemarketer! “ It was surgically removed…along with my arms and legs, years ago after my accident.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Ms. Kunninghan. I’m so sorry you don’t have a spine or arms or legs, but you still have pain. And for that, I have a Medicare approved pain wrap I want to send you. Please just give me your zip and social.”

I was getting so worn down by the constant barrage of phone calls from this pesky Medicare scammer I had become a crazed retiree, losing all sense of decency!

Despite being registered on the National No Call List and clocking repeated online complaints with the FTC, I had resorted to answering the phone as if I were a ten year old girl that had to go “fetch her daddy”. I even fained a Cantonese accent claiming, “ Me no speak English”, praying they didn’t have an in-house Cantonese interpreter.

None of it mattered. The calls just kept coming! So, I finally broke down and bought a call filter from Verizon for an extra $3.99/mo. Admitting defeat in the scammer war…Just to stop the “ You have pain” calls!

Oh, how I wish we could purchase a filter to protect our souls from pain. Wouldn’t that be so nice? For a mere $3.99 you could find a way to filter out life’s pain before it got to you. Wouldn’t that be grand to auto-block any hurt or sorrow that life throws one’s way? A “No Pain Filter” that would suddenly pop up when needed. A protective suit of armor to shield us from any bad news, sadness, or heartache.

I suppose I’ve developed my own pain filter over the years. I’ve learned to be rational and functional and maybe even emotionally distant if need be. I’ve learned to deny and stuff my feelings in order not to feel the pain. The pain of loss. Loss of my health, loss of my loved ones, loss of my pets, loss of my energy, my youth, my memory…It’s become a pretty daunting list now that I sit and read it. And now that I think of it, it seems to be getting exponentially longer with each passing year.

We all have our list, don’t we. The wise souls I’ve met along my journey have developed healthy coping mechanisms, allowing them to acknowledge it, feel it, respect it’s transitory nature, while still being open to joy that may come as well. They are able to see the big picture. Keep all in perspective. And in theory, I agree. But sometimes I just want to stuff that list in my pocket. Out of sight, out of mind. Preferring to wear my “Queen of Denial” tiara most days.

I’ve learned to stay busy in order to avoid too much deep thinking that may lead to any negativity or sadness. Perhaps that is a reaction from my childhood. Perhaps it stems from my “Kunninghan” genes. Nature vs. nurture. Who can answer that one? But…here’s the good news…”It made me who I am.” Resilient, independent, unflappable. Oh yes, and here’s the bad news…”It made me who I am.” Easily distant, without need, peachy-keen to the outside observer.

Unfortunately, that protective coat of armor, that hardened exoskeleton of a filter, can be a double-edged sword. Yes, it can lessen the blow of life’s travesties but it can also keep us from developing healthy ways of dealing with our grief, our sadness, our sorrow…from reaching out and sharing our pain. If we don’t acknowledge its existence, what power does it have over us? Answer: A lot! It can hijack healing and keep us from strengthening our safety net…our deep, trusting connections. Friendships, networks, community.

The chapters in my Life’s Playbook have always read…

I. Neediness: The New Weakness II. Vulnerability: Risky Business. III. Independence: What a Virtue.

But as I am in the process of editing the 65th edition of my Life’s Playbook, I am pleasantly surprised. It is turning out to have a real twist! Neediness is not a sign of weakness and vulnerability is a virtue!

By sharing my hurt, my pain, my sorrow , along with my joys, my successes, and my creations,…I have come to realize I really don’t want or even need a pain filter. I don’t want to remove my spine or my legs or my arms in order to avoid feeling! And I sure can’t speak Cantonese! But by allowing myself to cry when I feel like it, to share my fears, to be vulnerable, to reach out and “phone a friend” when I need it, to seek compassion when I’m depleted…that’s what adds to my protection.

My loving husband, my dear family, my inner circle of friends whom I consider my peeps, you are all my filter. Even better…my buffer…a way to lessen the impact of life’s curveballs…it’s the people in my life who really do like to hear what’s on my list…the good, the bad, the ugly. And all I have to do is be me.

So, in the great words of Mick Jagger…

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want….

but if you try sometime,

you just might find…

you get what you NEED!”