MymudpieS

Yes, this is truly the name of a nationwide mobile phone repair business. I have never utilized their services mainly because I refuse to patronize any business that utilizes improper spelling or grammar as their company name. KrazyKuts, ShearLockCombs…it’s just UnbeWeavable!

But this one instantly transported me to an imaginary playground in my head.

All I could see was Tarzan patiently waiting behind the counter as I reluctantly opened the glass door. “You break, I fix”, would be hurled at me as I entered the store. In a blink of an eye, I would be swooped up by one of his strong bronze biceps as the other held the vine that would transport us to a secure location high within the rain forest’s canopy, only to be greeted by a “genius” gorilla, sporting a pair of old time spectacles. He would swiftly grab my broken iPhone from my sweaty palms and update my iOS with his bent knuckles, as he sized me up with his omniscient eyes, hot misty air extruding from his massive nostrils with every exhalation.

And just as I was trying to reason with this primate, explaining to him, “My name is not Jane and I refuse to pay for any repair prior to knowing the cost…And is this the genius bar?… And how dare you think that just Mansplain or Apesplain your way out of this…” I was suddenly scooped up and dropped back in front of a non-verbal chimp-cashier, somehow asking me if it is “debit or credit?”

Ok. Don’t worry, this blog is not about phone repairs. It’s about the mistaken notion that everything has a fix. Some things can’t be fixed. Some things can’t be rebooted by a monkey in the sky. Sometimes life hands us a problem that may not have a clear solution. Sometimes the fix requires letting go of what was and accepting what is, for now.

Thankfully, we have amazing treatments and the powerful tincture of time for many of life’s blows, like a devastating diagnosis, the loss of a beloved pet or loved one, or a global pandemic. Sometime the fix is just support and connection and empathy. It may be the salve you can offer when you acknowledge another’s pain.

We may not be able to fix all, but we can mend and treat and listen. We can resolve and restore and replenish. We can collectively problem solve. We can stay connected. We can endure. And hopefully soon, we can physically embrace all of those we hold dear in our hearts.

So it may not always be uBreakiFix. It may be… uHurtiFeel, uNeedIGive, or simply… uSpeakiListen.

But for now, I just want to be back in Tarzan’s strong embrace, feeling the tropical jungle breeze flowing through my hair as we fly high above it all…hearing him yell….Aah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaah……….and all I needed was a new Dilbert screen saver???

…my favorite punctuation. It conveys to the reader that there’s more to come. The ending has perhaps yet to be written. It’s an invitation to slow it down. To give pause. To reconsider. To regroup. To allow. To fill in the blank. To imagine. To create. To grieve. To celebrate. It allows space to ponder what has happened , while wondering what is yet to come.

This pandemic has turned our world upside down, leaving my world filled with dot, dot,dots. There seem to be few things within the fabric of my daily life that end with an emphatic period …other than menopause?.!#@%

The question mark may perhaps be a close second and the exclamation, a real contender! There are so many changes to life’s 2020 rule book, the new edition filled with more questions than answers. More expletives than simple statements. Where is my mask? What are my risks? Should we go there? Can we touch that? Why can’t we all get along? Have we always been so divisive? I thought we were friends, not enemies? Why can’t our Congress just do their f…ing job? How can our economy survive another shut down? How can our hospitals and healthcare workers survive the onslaught if we don’t? Why isn’t healthcare a right? Who can survive on this nation’s minimum wage? How can we ask small businesses to bear so much while we bail out corporations right and left?

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SUPPORT THAT! I align with this! You are wrong and I am right! OH, AND NEWSFLASH, the germ theory is no longer a theory! Germs outnumber human cells in our bodies 10 to 1!! Look it up! Wash your hands! WTF! Oh, and there’s more…when you buy one expletive, we’ll throw in a second for only $2.99! And for our most loyal customers…you get a heart attack and hypertensive crisis for free! Just call the toll free number on the screen in the next 5 minutes.

1-800-WHATSNEXT

Calm down Lisa. Back away from the ALL CAPS writing. Put down your weapon…find your happy place…summon your inner dot,dot,dot…breathe…

My goal is to become more of a dot,dot,dot person. It allows me to think before I speak…to interrupt less and listen more… to discuss more and orate less…to be open to differences…to see things from others’ perspective…to remember and honor those now gone, who’ve played a vital role in my existence…to take a deep breath and tell myself…it’s OK. Let it go…we will get through this together…life may be cruel and unpredictable, yet filled with unbelievable compassion.

Some days suck, others filled with hope. Some days bring nothing but feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness, while others remind us of our own unique gifts just waiting to be given, our potential for greatness on some small scale. Some days are celebratory , some only sprinkled with moments of joy…but there’s always something just waiting to be thanked, appreciated, cherished. We just need to slow down and look for those people or things or spirits that are worthy of thankfulness…they surround us!

We are all on this wild ride together, whether we like it or not. This is our planet to respect or destroy. This is our nation to uphold or pilfer. This is our pandemic to deal with or ignore. It will eventually be an historical era, past tense. Just as our generation will fade, making way for the future present tense. Time marches on…Doesn’t it? IT DOES!

Yes, indeed, dot,dot,dot…it does…

I have always enjoyed silence. Ever since I was a young girl, there existed this craving for my own headspace, a place to think and explore, a place devoid of distraction. Silence was my pensive bedrock.

But then along came…Jim Croce. Who knew Time Came in a Bottle? My craving for silence was suddenly gone and before I knew it, the party was out of control. Bread showed up totally uninvited and brought America and yes, you guessed it…Captain and Tennille with their six-pack of Muskrat Love! My heart was branded . I suddenly had a sacred jukebox filled with rich melodies at the ready, to replenish my soul . My musical salve.

Lately, I’ve started that old jukebox up again. In an effort to replace the crazy making news and bring it down a notch, I’ve found a way to give myself a daily dose of dopamine. I’m now moved by the lyrics and tempo of REM, Cat Steven, George Michael…’Ya gotta have faith’.

As the years have passed, I have unknowingly added layer upon layer to my musical bedrock. Each layer, a unique color and composite of emotionally laden melodies, laced with life experiences. Both, so tightly woven together that I can be transported back in time by that first chord or musical intro. I’m suddenly a sad little 13 yr old girl, crushed under the weight of her first break up or an overly confident teen celebrating her best “Farrah” hair day, ever! Totally!

I’m sure much of music’s calming effect comes from it’s ability to take us back to a simpler time. But perhaps it’s also because it feels effortless. And nothing, lately, has felt effortless. I miss effortless-ness. Don’t you? I miss predictability . This pandemic has ruined my song. It has robbed me of my life’s rhythm, as I knew it. Just as my MS diagnosis did. Just as any life-altering event for any of us has done. We are thrown off course, our melodies seemingly lost at times. But just as I cling to the familiar, I find myself searching for new melodies.

The cadence in the voices of those I hold dear, the morning wren singing out to his partner, the belly laugh of a child, or the sound of our sweet dog’s toenails on the hardwood floor. These are the melodies in my life that I can easily allow to be overridden by life’s chaos and absurdity.

So, my wish is that we all find our new rhythm of life. That we cling to our old melodies while forging new ones. We will never all be on the same sheet of music. Nor will our days be filled with only sweet notes. There will be weeks lacking perfect pitch and month’s of slowed tempo. The lyrics will be foreign to our ears. Life is far from effortless right now but we will get back to that flow, that rhythm of life that sustains us and feeds us. The “key” is to be part of the songwriting, in whatever capacity we can muster. Help to write a song that we can sing “ in perfect harmony”. Ahhh…an ice cold Coke!

So, turn off the news, plug in your music , and find your rhythm of life.

As I listened to a late show commentary on You Tube last week, something resonated with me. He was talking about how we are being lulled into thinking that we only have two choices in this country, as we navigate these times. Black vs. White, Fox vs. CNN, Blue pill vs. Red pill, Science vs. Conspiracy, Boomer vs. Gen XYZ…It’s crazy making!!!

I instantly thought of my last eye exam and the line up of different strength lenses flashing before my eyes. Which is better? One or two? Again…One or two? The initial decisions are so easy , instilling a false sense of confidence in my hawkish decisiveness. Bring it on Holmes! Then I start to second guess myself , as the disparity in the lens strengths presented to me, start to diminish and the “choices” are perceivably the same! And just as I’ve convinced myself that I flunked the test and am getting expelled from school…viola! My unique prescription is forged. Giving me the best chance for visual clarity , but more importantly, making me look more intelligent/mysterious than I am.

But humans are not like computers. Our innate coding language is not binary. We are complex and unique and multi-factorial. We are constantly adapting. Refocusing as we learn. Most of America is made up of stuff in the middle . Yet, our mainstream broadcast news and our disconnected , egomaniacal political leaders need to keep us polarized. Pick a team!! When we are divided we are weakened. All of our energy is funneled into fighting over who is right and who is wrong. It’s conscious sedation for the masses. And it’s working!

One thing is clear. We need to open our eyes to the fact that we have many choices and opinions and “lenses” through which we can interpret our own world. It’s not a “One size fits all” prescription. One person’s vision of freedom and civil liberty may seem myopic to another. In reality, this novel virus is taking us all on a ride with no clear path or end-point. And although, as a pediatrician, I gravitate towards protecting our healthcare workers, witnessing first-hand the power of infectious disease and the devastation it’s spread can bring…that is my truth…my lens. Regardless of everyone’s differing refractions, we all need to respect and fear the innate intelligence of any virus to take over the steering wheel and turn it’s host’s defense system onto a path of self-destruction.

So I am trying to envision a future in which we have multiple choices with which to fight this war, not just one or two. I don’t want to wear rose-colored glasses nor lose my ability to refocus. But rather, I’d like to think of the visible spectrum of light as my beacon. My “ROYGBIV”. I need to allow for differences of opinion, try to understand choices made by others as seen through a different lens. Try to choose grace and kindness as my default settings while staying true to myself.

And after every rainstorm, I purposefully seek out the magic of the universe in search of that amazing spectrum of light that keeps me grounded. Then I try to find my damned glasses, pour myself a glass of wine, open a bag of Skittles and “ taste the rainbow”.

What is it about a hug that quenches our thirst? The reassurance and physical affirmation that I gleaned from a simple embrace was something, I now realize, I’d taken for granted. Add it to the list!

Without the hug in my personal arsenal of love, I feel a bit more vulnerable, like a fish out of water. I’m realizing that without this perfectly simple act of physicality, that can convey all that I feel in one fell swoop, I have to verbalize my emotions. I have to risk the vulnerability of saying “ I love you” and fear lack of reciprocity.

So now that a hug is not always an option, I find myself giving verbal hugs. Is it possible to hug someone verbally or visually with no touch. Of course, the answer is “hell no!” No matter how we try to duplicate it…with the smell of fresh bread, a deeper smile, a more purposeful moment of eye contact or when all else fails, a Zoom Happy Hour…it just doesn’t quite cut it for me!

A hug says…I love you. I care. You matter. I need you. You need me. ( Cue…Barney coming’ in for the big purple hug) It says…Thank you. You’re essential. You matter to me.

Some hugs are obligatory pats or salutations. Some are an embrace, a long cool drink or a warm cozy blanket. But no matter the flavor, a hug always energizes me and confirms my existence. It reminds me that I have a physical presence attached to this soul, on this earth, at this moment. It grounds me.

So amidst this insane and “ other-worldly “ social distancing , give yourself a hug. Embrace your strengths. Forge new ways of self-care. Indulge for a bit but don’t forget that you and your health are essential not only to yourself, but to those you love. Know that what you create matters. Truly, you are huggable!

And when this pandemic is more fully controlled and we can freely embrace without fear of contagion, my hope is that we will cherish our hugs a bit more. And that which we couldn’t quite put into words, would be wrapped up once again in a sweet, savory hug.

The air smelled clean and crisp.The birds chirped uninterrupted. The sky seemed bluer to me. Without the constant sound of cars whizzing by, I was able to think. To appreciate this freedom of being able to walk and breathe and be alive.

And as I savored all of these freedoms, once kind of taken for granted, I saw my neighbor’s flag gently and majestically swaying in the breeze. At that moment, I started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. I hadn’t even thought about saying those words since my elementary school days . I suddenly had a flash back of that heavenly, cold chocolate milk I devoured daily from it’s cute little carton and double checking to make sure I had shorts on under my dress so I could swing on the monkey bars…I wasn’t even sure I would remember the words.

“ I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America…” My heart felt heavy as my hand palpated every beat. My hand felt purposeful and important, as if it were interpreting some sort of new morse code with each beat. I began to think about this word, allegiance. It’s not part of my daily lexicon. I knew it meant some sort of blind loyalty to a superior entity. But, thanks to my smart phone, I also learned that allegiance can mean devotion to a person, group, or cause.

Bingo!! To me, this word encapsulates what I was feeling that morning. We are showing allegiance to our neighbors, our community, our first responders and our high risk citizens, by simply staying home. We are saving lives. Who knew that staying home was a superpower?

Perhaps this pandemic has distilled our nation down to a commonality our generation has never had to define. Generations before us living through the Great Depression or war , know it. Those of us old enough to have realized the gravity of that moment in September, as we watched the planes fly into the towers and felt our hearts stop beating, know it. Allegiance was what was needed to band together for a common good. Even though we didn’t have a picture of what that might look like, we felt it.

And so that is what we are doing . We are banding together for a common good and it is working! We are learning the importance of allegiance, both globally and at home. Watching the globe light up in this infectious web, illuminates our interconnectivity. It sheds light on the sad fact that we are too dependent on outside resources but also reminds us that we are all humans on one sphere.

Allegiance to our species, our nation, our governors, our first responders, our healthcare workers, our delivery drivers and grocery workers…at every level imaginable.That’s what is being asked of us. It feels daunting to me but when I break it down to my own community and my own self and my own daily actions, it feels digestible and empowering.

So, as we enter this Brave New World, with it’s rules being written as we speak and it’s unforeseen consequences as yet to be felt, my hope is that we don’t forget the importance of allegiance. Allegiance to our evolving definition of community. Allegiance to our newfound commonality of humanity and survival. Allegiance to compassion and helping thy neighbor. Allegiance all the way down to the one common denominator, ourselves. “ To thine own self be true.”

…with liberty and justice for all.

Having the strength to face adversity and pain with courage. That’s fortitude.

I guess I have never really had to ask myself if I had enough fortitude. I have always assumed that I had it. I know I had enough fortitude to get me through endless nights of studying as a med student, 36 hour stretches of staying awake as a resident, and the pain of realizing that I couldn’t save every patient from the ravages of disease. Fortitude got me through sleepless nights as a young mother and unforeseen personal and family crises. Is it a virtue, a practice, a belief? What is fortitude?

Regardless of how we define it, the amount of fortitude needed to conquer this pandemic, this infectious tsunami overtaking our nation, is unfathomable. It’s needed from every societal level, all the way from our governmental response , through the private sector, down to how we treat those around us.

And today, as I helplessly watch our healthcare workers risking their lives with inadequate protection and seemingly unheard pleas for help…more masks, more tests, more ventilators, more personnel…I’m realizing, we weren’t prepared. We don’t have it in time. Although this was predicted by many experts and “futuristic “ TED talks, our government chose not to listen. Instead, they chose to pour trillions into multimillion dollar planes, tanks, ships and subs…weapons much needed in wars past. An arsenal much needed to protect the courageous men and women whom have protected MY freedom and are still doing so. We have poured trillions into this “for-profit” military industry. So where is the arsenal our “troops”, our doctors and nurses and respiratory techs need to go to battle to protect themselves and us now?

We are at war with inadequate weapons, fighting a foe like never before seen in our lifetimes. And I’m realizing that we are going to have to muster up as much fortitude as we can to survive this. For many, it won’t be enough, sadly. But, we are a nation of unbelievable natural resources. The ability to show compassion, find solutions, and give true support for those around us, is there. We are facing adversity and fear and dissolution of our societal connectedness, as we have known it. It’s hard to cling to those we love when we can’t even be near them, when we have to blow kisses through the nursing home window or fear killing them with a simple hug. It’s hard to weave into our psyche. It’s hard to face the reality that we are asking our physicians and nurses and public healthcare workers to go into battle with inadequate supplies and resources , not only needed to protect those they swore to protect, but also themselves.

So, I’m thinking fortitude may be the only weapon in our personal arsenal right now. It may mean waking each day with the singular goal of staying strong and doing the right thing. The time for blame is past us. We are in survival mode now. So, if it means staying home, instead of partying or socializing with our friends, in order to diminish the height of this tidal wave overtaking our healthcare system…so be it. If it means facing months of calling, FaceTiming, emailing those we love, instead of physical contact…so be it. If it means putting the needs of others in front of our own…so be it. We’ve all lived our lives doing this already, but never in this context or with this set of rules.

But maybe that’s what fortitude is all about. It’s adapting to what is. We all have it in us. It’s what makes us human. It may be only real weapon we have to face this well predicted but unprecedented time.

Exposed. That’s what hit me. Erosion had swept away most all of it’s soil, exposing it’s vast root system. I had passed this thriving tree for years now as I walked my dog along the bank of this meandering stream. But now, I had a glimpse of what was keeping it upright, despite the current’s effort to wash it downstream. To see how the roots were stretching toward the remaining soil to stabilize and nourish this little tree, was astonishing to me.

It got me thinking about what my root system looked like? What was below my surface? How intricate and strong was my underground circuitry? Perhaps, it’s is hard to put into words or even unknown to us until we need it?

When I was diagnosed with M.S., I wasn’t sure how I was going to weather the storm. I don’t think I actually knew I had a root system so strong and fiercely self-protective. I guess I had always just seen myself from above soil line. A stubborn little girl and self-sufficient teen. An independent young woman and giving physician. A loving wife and protective mother. A supportive daughter, connected sister and loyal friend. But when my branches were rattled and all of my leaves swept away, I felt broken and weak. Yet, that’s when I realized I was more than meets the eye. That’s when I realized I had roots…My strong husband and loving sons, my dear parents and siblings, my faithful friends and loyal dog, my faith in a higher power and in my inner power to seek out what I needed to thrive.

We have so many storms ahead, just as we have so many behind us. Life’s eroding forces never give up. We cant take our root system for granted. Its there waiting to be acknowledged and needed. So struggle, screw up, be vulnerable, be forgiving of your weaknesses and thankful for your strengths. Sing your own praises and release your true talents. Feed your roots and in return, they will give you resilience and strength. Strength to stand tall and be rooted.

The most complex and robust wines come from the most struggling vines with the scrappiest leaves. A struggling vine may produce less grapes but more flavor. Grapes grown in poor soil with limited water can grow 30 feet deep to get what they need and produce a wine with the most intricate bouquet. So struggling is good? Darn you Mother Nature…You did it again, reminding us that you have so many cool analogies to guide us on our journeys. You are the RBG of the natural world!

We have so many storms to weather. Storms survived and storms yet to come. Life’s erosive forces never give up. So struggle, screw up, be vulnerable, take chances, envision your goals, forgive yourself for your weaknesses and embrace your strengths. Realize your true talents and let them flow. Feed your roots, and in return they will give you the resilience and strength you need to stand tall and stay rooted.